When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
