Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
