you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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