My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
