you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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