Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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