So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
