Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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