some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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