I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She told me I should be a condom model.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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