Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize