I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
