did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
