I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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