Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
