Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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