FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
