Everything about him screamed your future.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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