yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
