how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
