Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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