awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
