We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
