Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
