if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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