Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
