you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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