He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
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THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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