On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
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I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
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The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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