After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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