The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
