and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
