We named our party play list daddy issues
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
