rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
