I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
