You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
