I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
