she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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