My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I think a kid would responsible me up
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
