i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
