I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
