her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
