Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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