I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
