Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
