She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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