I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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