If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
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