I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
