I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
