Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
