Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
