pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
