thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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