my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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