Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
