Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
